Self-Care after Trauma: Learning Sexual Boundaries while Feeling Frustrated and Exhausted (week 3 of my study)

2/10/2020 Week 3, dream reflection, “Feeling the Weight of my Trauma”

In this post, I will be revealing the raw data within Week 3 from my study, “Self-Care after Trauma: A heuristic inquiry using Art Therapy, Journaling, and Dream reflection.” What consists within the raw data is all of my artwork, journal entries, and documented dreams that was expressed for the duration of the 5 week study. 

If you have not read the other posts where the title begins with the words “Self-Care after Trauma” I suggest you go do that first before continuing! They briefly explain my journey of choosing this topic, what this topic means, and the plan behind my study. You can read how I discovered what self-care after trauma truly meant, here. You can read about the plan behind my study, here. Then you can read about Week 1 here and Week 2 here

Now, let’s dive into Week 3 of my study! 

I was becoming aware of the level of unsafety I had been feeling, how wounded my sexuality had been, and that I did not want this to be my reality anymore. In Week 2 the feelings of anger had emerged and in Week 3 I was still processing those sensations. I was angry because I was not being seen when I was trying to show someone my vulnerability with the pain I was in as a result of trauma. That week, I also journaled about my frustrations with the boundaries I needed at the time in regards to sex. In a journal entry I wrote:

“I have boundaries to not have sex if I am drunk or if I am feeling like I ‘should’ have sex to keep my partner happy/satisfied… It’s annoying to have all these boundaries involving sex. I wish it could just be normal for me, but it’s currently not.”

“It’s annoying, but these boundaries are healthy for me. It is making me feel safer. I am discovering a healthy way of viewing and participating in sex. I feel like a person’s sex life after rape isn’t talked about and it should be. Sex still happens for people after rape. If the trauma is not faced and worked through, sex could end up being a lifetime problem or an unhealthy or unsafe perception of sex will persist.” 

I did not make this connection until just now, but it’s interesting that in my journal entries I was exploring boundaries then my art piece depicts all these repetitive lines, that can even give the appearance of a wall, a boundary. That’s the unconscious mind at work right there continuing to process my emotions, thank you Art Therapy! 

Week 3, “Avoidance”

I titled this piece “avoidance” because on Week 3 was when I was met with resistance. I barely journaled that week, I didn’t remember some of my dreams, and one of the drawings I completed it really quick just to get it over with. What I’ve learned is that when we often hit a wall of avoidance, we are on the brink of getting to the actual problem. Getting to some of the roots. At the time, I did know on some level, which is why I pushed through even if it was the bare minimum for that week. 

The drawing I created to showcase my dreams this week, I chose to focus on one dream that had a huge impact on me vs creating a drawing that communicated the essence for all of the dreams. Within this dream it felt as if the reality of my sexual traumas was crashing down on me. I was feeling all of it in a way I had never embodied before. In the dream I was incredibly exhausted, which that feeling was present in other dreams throughout the week too, and I remember physically feeling exhausted from this heuristic study in waking life. 

Other themes that were present in the dreams were shame, sadness, emotional neglect, anger, deeper understanding, feeling heavy, longing, unsafety, fear, and confrontation. What is interesting is the last dream (nightmare) I had during Week 3 it ended pleasantly with me being in the presence of a soul sister of mine, feeling safe, and feeling comfortable being close to her when we hugged. 

That is most of the raw data from Week 3! You can listen to me give further explanations on the artworks, journal entries, and dreams on my podcast, in episode 46. Again, the raw data was the real time processing moments for me. Insight came later after I analyzed the data and wrote about it in the results chapter of my thesis! If interested in staying up to date with me sharing my research, be sure to look for the title “Self-Care after Trauma” on any blog post or podcast episode. Thank you for tuning in as I share the healing that took place throughout the weeks of my study! 

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey

Married and Divorced before 30.

(I literally deleted all the pictures from my wedding and with my ex, so here is a nice picture of me on the beach instead)

Where does one begin with a subject like this? It’s hard to not feel like a damn statistic, because everyone who has been divorced has a deeply unique story that is so much more than contributing to the statistics of divorce rates. I constantly hear society bitch about how people these days don’t fight for a relationship anymore. This could be true for some, but what if the divorce rate is so high because people are choosing to not live in misery? Marriage is not this forever binding contract, even if the government and religion try to make you believe it is. Marriage is a commitment that can be renegotiated. The contract can be broken. If the relationship is not healthy, you’re allowed to leave. 

I wish someone would have told me years ago that I was allowed to leave a relationship if it was constantly hurtful.

It blows my mind that couples from generations before mine have chosen to stay with their spouse just because they are married. That there seems to be no other reason. This makes me wonder, what if they took the time to truly evaluate the relationship and their life, would they stay? The blanket response of, “well we’re married,” alluding to the concept of having to work it out feels concerning for me. You work it out because you want to, and if you don’t, you don’t have to do anything. You get to leave. 

The vow, “for better or for worse,” and the societal guilt trip of “easily giving up on relationships” warped my mindset into staying with a person who was hurtful. I believed that I had to stay because if I tried hard enough then maybe it would work out. If I tried hard enough we could obtain a healthy relationship. 

I also personally had the programming instilled in me, through my parents, that once I made a commitment I was not allowed to quit. Which could be a great lesson to learn about perseverance growing up. To not quit just because something is difficult, hard work reaps results, etc. etc. BUUUT since my parents never talked to me about sex, sexuality, or relationships I carried this “never quit” mentality over into how I operated within my marriage. I literally had the mindset of, I made a commitment, and if I leave that means I gave up, i.e. quit. Which again, perpetuated the choice of staying with a hurtful person. 

I felt the societal shame of being another person who was married at a young age and then got divorced a few years later.

I can hear the echoes in my head now, “You’re too young to know what you want in life.” Cue the major eye roll for anyone on the receiving end of those types of comments. Young people (or anyone for that matter) do not need your projected judgment! If you are genuinely concerned about a person’s life decisions how about having a heart to heart with them instead? I promise it will have a greater chance of being received. 

I also grew up in the Midwest right in the heart of the good ol’ bible belt. Living by the checklist of life is major there, I feel. Get a good education, find a good job, get yourself a good spouse, create some good children, buy a good house, and go to church, be a good person. That is just the good ol’ ways of the Midwest, that means you made it! And newsflash, most of this happens for people in the Midwest when they are… *gasp*…. young! Then if you’re 30 and have not “achieved” any of those things from the list, society is also quick to jump down your throat about it. I guarantee two of the most asked questions in the Midwest are, “When are you getting married?” and “When are you going to have kids?” When society was previously so quick to judge youngins about being “too young” for things like this. The irony is bitter my friends… real bitter. 

You will never win if you are trying to please society. Instead, do what is right for you!

I did not come to Earth to live a “good” life. That is not enough for me. That does not make my soul explode with euphoria. The checklist… ya sure, it sounds nice, it’s what the media feeds you as this picture-perfect life, but what happens when you’ve checked off everything from the list. Are you satisfied? Is your soul being constantly fed from the magic of life? 

Even though I have been breaking away from the societal norms and shedding this innate need of following the “shoulds” of society, this checklist mentality still got to me! I fell for the pressure, the idea, that I’m getting older, I’ve been in a relationship for a while, we seem to be committed to each other, so let’s get married and have the security of marriage. LOL WHAT?! 

My midwestern ass got married solely because I thought that was the thing to do and it made logical sense with the way of thinking I grew up on. I chose to go with the group think herd instead of reflecting on what the fuck I wanted for my life. Lesson learned, thank you universe.

Anyway, here we are, married and divorced before the age of 30!

I just want people to know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Be proud that you DID NOT stay with the human who wasn’t right for you. Remember that all the chatter and outside opinions of society is background noise that you have the power to turn off. Society isn’t out here living your life, you are. Honestly, no one cares as much as you think they do. People just like bitchin’ and having something to say. Don’t let that pressure you into thinking you’re not living an aligned life. 

What is interesting is that I no longer feel this pressure. I’m about to be 28, I’m single, I’m starting over (in every sense of the word), and I don’t feel behind or that I’m missing out. I feel free. This is where I’m meant to be. I was never meant to go through life mindlessly checking things off and being stuck in the “good,” or captured by fear. I came here to live a fucking great life that I constantly feel excited about. When people ask me how my life is going I do NOT want to merely give a shrug and say “it’s good” or “can’t complain.” No, thank you. And my response was exactly that when people would ask me how married life was.

You can listen to me talk about this a little more on my podcast, in Episode 45. Moral of the story is… you’re allowed to leave. Fuck what anybody says. Divorce happens and let it be okay. If something doesn’t feel right, trust it. If there are patterns of hurtful behavior that are not changing ask yourself if this is what you want to live with. If the marriage is a reflection of unalignment then it will not matter how hard you work for the relationship, it will always be a disaster. So, stop draining yourself and evaluate whether or not you’re in alignment. Then leave what does not serve you! It may not be easy, but you always have a choice. 

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others. 

.

Much love,

Kelsey

Reintegrating Back into Society as My Full Authentic Self.

The time has come to reintegrate myself back into society! I have been pretty much living off the technological grid for about a year. My only outlet was this blog and podcast that initially I only told a handful of people about. Social media, tv, and essentially being in contact with the outside world was a distraction. I needed to separate myself from all of it to be able to look inward. I was about to forever change my life and I needed to focus on my transformation without the distractions.

With that, I feel ready to fully re-introduce myself. 

My legal name is now Kelsey Morgan. I created a new name for myself by making my middle name my last name. I was married to a man. This past year I was in the process of leaving an abusive marriage. What is interesting is that while I was still in the physical space of my ex I was granted with the choice to heal while in the midst of it. I took that opportunity which enabled me to get out in less than a year. 

When I finished my thesis in December of 2020 and decided to delete social media December of 2020 I finally had the space I needed to make the tough decisions that I had been questioning for the past 5 ½ years. A week later I decided to separate (originally, I believed we just needed a separation) from my husband. 

These three major decisions spiraled me into a beautiful tornado of destruction. 

This past year became a full deconstruction of my old life. I feel it has been happening in waves throughout my entire healing journey, but the situation I was in needed a complete natural disaster to get rid of everything. To be stripped of everything and thrown into a new life of unquestionable alignment. (which has me think of the collage I made back in 2019 that I discussed in a previous blog post, here)

Then within the phase of detangling myself from being enmeshed with an abusive person, it gave me the space to continue to do the deep healing with my sexuality that I had never gotten the opportunity to do before. I began to create the safety for myself to go there. Existing in this new sense of safety, I had accepted a part of my sexuality I had been too afraid to welcome in, which was that I liked women. 

From the end of 2017 through the end of 2020 have shown to be primitive years with experiencing grad school, going to therapy, having spiritual and sexuality coaches, establishing self-care practices, and various other trauma work. Through that, I built a solid foundation for myself. A foundation I could firmly stand on. I could hold myself while I was fully feeling my pain because I was no longer in survival mode. 

I was simultaneously living the worst time of my life and the best time of my life.

Meaning, I was in the midst of trauma, but the tail end of it, while also witnessing the creation of my new life I was about to step in to. To say the least, 2021 has been a fucking wild year. I am on the other side of it though because I took the time to solely focus on myself. To confront what was occurring in my direct life. 

Now I feel ready to integrate myself back into society. I visited my home town last weekend and was open about what all had happened within this year of me falling off the face of the Earth. I feel pulled to create a personal just for fun Instagram account (@creating.light) as another means for people to connect to me. My family is even being notified, slowly but surely, of everything I have been experiencing. 

I am putting my whole self, my truly authentic self, out there, and it’s scary as fuck. 

I have been authentic on all things Creating Light with Kelsey, but it hasn’t been until now where I feel safe enough to share these parts of myself. So here I am! Entering yet another layer of vulnerability. I feel it is a part of my message to share my life, my healing, because it is all a part of the ripple effect. And that is what I came here to do, to create light. 

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey

Discussing Akashic Records, Letting Go of Control, and Protecting Yourself from Darker Energies with Bree!

I recently interviewed a soul sister of mine, Bree! She was the woman who did my Akashic Record reading, which you can read about it here, and you can listen to the live reading on Episode 21 of the podcast! After receiving a reading from her, I knew I needed to bring her back for a full interview. Bree shares what she has been called to give the world. I will briefly relay what we discussed, but you can tune in to listen how she is one of many creating light for the collective on Episode 43

Bree shares that she is one of the souls that chose to incarnate on Earth to help lead others in coming back home to themselves. This is one of Bree’s main goals within her work for the Soul to Sole brand. She wants you to realize your own power while not relying on others to give you that power. How Soul to Sole started for her was one day she was sitting on her balcony and started to reflect on her life. She began thinking, “What the fuck is next?!” She had completed the check list of what society views as success, but now what? Then the idea came to her.

From the soul of my body to the sole of my foot, it is all encompassing.”

Through a 5 year birthing process, Soul to Sole finally came to life! Bree also shared the importance of shifting our mindset from, what is our purpose, to what our message. She believes that us being here is the purpose, by us just existing, we are already living out our purpose. The question then becomes what is our message, what can we give, what are we here to give? What Bree is here to give is leading people back home to their sovereignty, their power. She is currently doing this through giving Akashic Record readings, workbooks, journal prompts, and journals. 

Bree explains Akashic Records as a library space in the ethers that stores everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen, but nothing is set in stone because through the free will of choice things are constantly changing. These records are protected by light beings. During a reading, Bree will energetically go into this metaphysical library in the astral realm of your records to relay information to you. She cannot access your records without your permission and there is on going consent throughout the reading. Akashic Record readings can help you get to the roots of problems, see where certain beliefs came from, and surface awareness which can all lead to healing. (you can read a little more about the basic concept of the Akashic Records in a previous blog post, here)

Trust your intuition even when you don’t have the answers as to why.”

Bree shared that since she has been giving Akashic Record readings, it has been a contributing factor in helping her let go of control. She says, “When you have a feeling or an intuitive hit to do something trust it, even when you do not have the answers as to why. The human self, the ego wants to know why, but we cannot immediately know why most of the time, we just get to trust it has a purpose and it will play out in divine timing.” This includes all things, whether we perceive them to be big or small things, it is all connected and all relative.

A small example Bree gave was that she felt like she needed to grab her speaker before going out to meet up with friends, her human self was questioning and saw no reason to bring it. The human self began to ask, why? Then she told herself, “It doesn’t matter why, you have a feeling that you need to bring it so just bring it.” She meets up with her friends and of course one of them forgot their speaker! (nothing is a coincidence) This is a layer of letting go of control, letting go of the need to have all the answers before doing something. 

Let things happen when they are meant to happen and stop forcing it to fit your expected timeline.”

Bree has been learning that trying to have control over an expected timeline or a certain outcome of a situation always ends up to be energetically draining. That it feels better when we let things happen when they are meant to. Which means we get to let go of control, we get to let go of what no longer serves us. 

That wave of thinking is directly connected to the notion of, your healing journey is your responsibility. Bree expresses that even though she is here to help people along their journey all she can do is show up to be here with you, but she cannot do any of it for you. I love this mindset and it is universal. No one can control when and how you decide to heal. Bree explains that if we do try to control someone else’s healing process that is when we begin to create expectations for a person and can fall for the potentiality of who they could be instead of accepting the reality of who they are. 

You have the power to protect yourself energetically.”

The last subject Bree touched on was how we can energetically set up a perimeter to protect ourselves. I know for me interacting with the spirit realm can still feel new and intimidating. I can find myself holding onto the religious programming that if I am consciously choosing to work with spirits then that means I could be an open vessel for dark energies to enter. Or the deep deep programming being that anything that isn’t god is the devil, so you’re not interacting with spirits you’re actually inviting in the devil. 

Well… Bree added another layer of reassurance for me that those notions were fearmongering. We do have the power to protect ourselves energetically. If you are feeling weird energies while making contact with spirit through meditation or any other practices you can ask, “Are you of the highest good?” Bree says that it is universal law that if you ask a question three times anything in the spirit or astral realm has to tell you the truth. 

Then if you are still met with the feeling that whatever is around continues to carry darker energies, you can proceed to declare three times, “Only beings of the highest light are welcome here.” Instantaneously it is done and any energies not of the highest light are banished. You have the power to get rid of the stuff that scares you. Bree says you can even teach this ritual to children who are having nightmares. Bree reassures us that we can believe in a higher power, believe and trust someone is speaking truth to us, while maintaining our boundaries and our own sovereignty. 

If you would like to listen to the entire interview head on over to my podcast, Creating Light with Kelsey, or you can directly download the episode here. Go check out Bree’s website, soultosole.co! She has plenty of services to offer than can help you come back home to yourself like Akashic Record readings, journals, workbooks, and journal prompts. You can also follow her on Instagram. I am so grateful we have crossed paths, and I am excited to see where life continues to take us!

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey

How No Longer Wearing Bras Has Helped With My Sexuality Healing And Self-Confidence.

In the previous blog post, “Learning To Walk Through Life Not Giving A Fuck,” I briefly touched on the fact that back in October of 2020 I made the decision to stop wearing bras. I noticed that I was becoming pretty passionate while sharing, and figured I would make another blog post solely devoted to my mindset on it! 

As a survivor of sexual trauma, my healing has revolved around sex and sexuality. There are many layers that contribute to rediscovering the feelings of being whole, confident, secure, and sensual in the aftermath of trauma, or possibly even learning how to feel those things for the very first time. Being able to feel all of that within my body has been a beautiful process that is rapidly unfolding.

Honestly, the decision to stop wearing bras started when I was home all the time, because there was a weird time gap of me finishing my thesis and trying to find a job. I thought to myself, “I rarely ever leave the house these days, why am I bothering with wearing a bra?” 

It was interesting to reflect on the fact that even in the comfort of my own house, I felt uncomfortable in my body while not wearing a bra. 

That caught my attention. I became curious and started asking myself, “Why can I not peacefully coexist with my body in my house? What is it about my body that I am uncomfortable with?” It brought to conscious awareness that I was not loving my body as it was, in its natural state.

I slowly started to get outside of my comfort zone. First, I became comfortable never wearing one around the house. While doing so, I would notice critical thoughts surface. If I was sitting or lying down a certain way I would think that my boobs looked gross. I would feel a sense of disgust.

Which had me question why the fuck I was hating on my boobs so much! Why was I not loving my body? Could I only love my body if it perfectly fit the beauty standards of what boobs are expected to look like 24/7, the way boobs are often are portrayed in the media? That appeared to be the case!

I was letting outside factors dictate my self-worth.

It’s bullshit how much society can influence the way we perceive ourselves. It’s also bullshit how much society can influence the way we behave in the world because we feel pressured to act a certain way. That there is a way we “should” live our life and there is a way we “should” look. Then if you don’t live up to those standards there’s the threat of rejection that is constantly fed to us through subliminal messaging.  

When it is actually fear mongering to get you to conform while you abandon your authentic self in the process. I felt that bras were entangled in that mess. Bras seemed to be this unspoken rule that women are required to wear. Then if women did not wear bras it was yet another reason to slut shame. 

Why is it that women’s boobs and nipples have become so sexualized? Oh wait.. I know the answer, the media. Women are constantly portrayed as sexual objects. So, it’s not a coincidence that if a person sees the normal shape of woman’s boobs through a shirt, or *gasp* their nipple, the person’s mind goes to sex.

I was afraid to go out in public for the longest time without a bra because I assumed that I would get ridiculed for it. I was also too concerned about making other people uncomfortable…. Are you kidding me?! If that isn’t rape culture I don’t know what is. The fact that I was conditioned to think it is my responsibility to make other people comfortable with the way that I dress, and if other people are uncomfortable then it is my fault. Or if other people have sexual thoughts in regards to the way I dress it’s my fault. 

It’s all bullshit, and if I continued to wear bras for the sole purpose of avoiding making others feel uncomfortable, I was perpetuating rape culture.

It’s not my responsibility to make anyone feel comfortable! Me not wearing a bra hurts exactly zero people. How other people feel about it is their problem, not mine. BUUUUT, I’d be lying if I didn’t mention how hard this is to do.

It has brought up a lot of fear. Fear of what others think of me, fear of judgment, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being sexually harassed, and fear of being told to change at work! Because yes, I don’t even wear bras at work. The list can seem endless of the tribulations I feel, but I will say that as time has passed, my levels of fucks have decreased. 

I am feeling comfortable in my skin. I am feeling confident in my body. More often than not now, I don’t care if anyone happens to notice me nippin. It’s just a nipple, we all have them. 

Let’s start making it normal to see a woman’s body and NOT have it immediately go to sex. 

When I stopped wearing bras, I did not initially have the intention of doing this for it to be another tool to help heal my sexuality. It has effortlessly evolved into that though. I feel more connected to my body. I feel that I have gained a loving relationship with my body. That in of itself is a part of sexuality. 

My body is beautiful and it deserves to be treated as such. I have spent so much of my life being critical of the way I look, or even doing things that were hurtful to my body. I am glad I have finally arrived to a place where I can show it the love, care, and compassion it needs. Is it still a work in progress? Always

I encourage every woman out there to question why they wear bras. If you find yourself in the similar mindset that I had… Then I challenge you to start the journey of no longer wearing bras. See how you feel. Notice what comes up for you. Free yourself!

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey

Learning To Walk Through Life Not Giving A Fuck.

Continuously shedding the layers of “giving a fuck” has been the biggest lesson for me recently. It has been an underlying theme ever since I read the book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” back in 2016. Which coincidentally (jk nothing is a coincidence), was the first self-growth book I ever read! 

Since then, I have been consistently working on setting boundaries, letting go of my need to people please, and unapologetically doing what is best for me. Lately, I have been letting the universe know that I am open to shed all the layers related to the fear of caring what other people think, which in turn allows me to walk through life not giving a fuck. 

Because honestly, no one cares as much as you think they do!

It’s true! Everyone else is so caught up in their own head with their own bullshit they barely have the space to genuinely give a shit about what you’re doing. Will people have passing thoughts or remarks, sure, but will they stay up at night ruminating on what you’re doing with your life? Probably not, the chances are slim to none. With that awareness is where I kept asking myself, “Why do I care so much about what random ass people think?” 

Well, shortly after opening myself up to the possibility of shedding these layers, opportunities started flowing in. Ask and you shall receive, and the universe got mad jokes!

I’d like to give some meaningful context before I get to the funny story involving the picture you see. Since October 2020, I have slowly stopped wearing bras. It has been a part of my sexuality healing journey. I am learning to love my body as is, and bras can greatly transform your boobs into a completely different shape that has been viewed as the standard for being “attractive.” 

Our culture has also highly sexualized boobs to the point that if people see a nipple through a shirt it’s “scandalous.” I’m here to say fuck allll that! (maybe I should do a separate blog post on just this subject 🤔) Anyway, me rarely ever wearing a bra the past 10 months brought to my awareness how much I gave a fuck about the way people viewed me. 

Each time I feel worried about another person’s opinion of me, it is an opportunity to let that anxiety go. 

Not wearing a bra is a decision I have made for various reasons directly relating to my healing and to continuously be my authentic self. It hurts exactly 0 people. So, other people’s opinions of my boobs when I’m not wearing a bra literally doesn’t matter. AND if I’m letting the potential of other people’s perceived negative thoughts about how I’m living my life STOP me from being in my truth, that is a HUGE problem. I would be making myself small. I would live a boring ass life.

Now with the funny story, I went out to eat with my best friends. I was wearing a mustard yellow cotton dress (that actually was my friend’s tank top but fit me like a dress 😅), without a bra, without underwear, nips were totally showing, and I did not care. I thought to myself, “Yes! What an accomplishment! I do not give a fuck!” Cue the universe silently laughing in the background and saying, “Just wait.

We decided to sit outside. We do live in Florida, it’s summer time, and even though the sun was down it was still pretty warm out. There were also not any fans outside to circulate the air. It did not take long for me to start sweating. I then realized, I’m in a mustard yellow cotton dress, sitting on a plastic chair. The more I was sweating I couldn’t stop thinking, “Oh shit, people are going to be able to see sweat marks on my dress… on my ass.

I looked at my friends and said, “Guys, I’m sweating and we just sat down!” I kept thinking, if we sit here for hours my whole lower half was going to be soaked. Then I thought, everyone is going to see this! How embarrassing! I literally wasn’t shutting up about it, I was feeling intense anxiety, and I almost made my friends go inside to eat. After about 10 minutes of bitchin’, I stopped myself and realized…

I am caring way too much about what other people think right now! I am giving too many fucks!

So much so that I was not enjoying being in the presence of my friends. Then I thought, “Okay universe, I see you. You got jokes. You gave me an embarrassing moment to shed a deeper layer of giving a fuck. Thank you!” Because I most definitely was giving a lot of fucks in that moment.

With the help of my friends we started to problem solve. They threw me all their napkins. I unfolded two, laid them on the chair, pulled up my dress as high as I could, and sat down. Then I folded up two other napkins and shoved them up my dress in between my legs. I looked at my friends and said, “Guys, I have all the napkins in all the right places!”

I was then able to enjoy myself and let go of the fact that if I still had sweat marks on my dress, so be it! We’re outside during the summer time in Florida, people sweat. And what was the worst thing that would happen? People notice my sweat marks but not say jack shit? They’d see it, then move on with their lives. Because again, no one cares as much as you think they do! Being anxious about the possibility of “what will happen if people notice” was unnecessary anxiety pulling me out of the present moment. 

Having that self-awareness allowed me to feel the anxiety, problem solve, and then let it go.

I was grateful that I had the awareness to recognize where the anxiety was coming from, that it was a result of me caring too much about what other people think, because could you imagine how the night would have gone without that awareness? I would have just been anxious as fuck and it would have easily turned into irritability. Then I could have been stuck in that emotion creating an awful night for myself. 

No, thank you! Anxiety in that way does not serve me, so there wasn’t a reason to hold onto it. It was a perfect opportunity to embody the essence that is, “not giving a fuck.” (if you would like to listen to me tell this story go check out episode 41 on my podcast) 

I hope this humorously brought some light in your life, while also gifting you with the awareness that if you are going about your day based on decisions that are revolved around how other people perceive you… it may be time to ask yourself, why? I have been learning that the less fucks I give, the more peace I have. 

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey

Self-Care after Trauma: Wanting to Change my Reality. (week 2 of my study)

2/1/2020, Week 2, “Why don’t you see me?!

In this post, I will be revealing the raw data within Week 2 from my study, “Self-Care after Trauma: A heuristic inquiry using Art Therapy, Journaling, and Dream reflection.” What consists within the raw data is all of my artwork, journal entries, and documented dreams that was expressed for the duration of the 5 week study.

If you have not read the other posts where the title begins with the words “Self-Care after Trauma” I suggest you go do that first before continuing! They briefly explain my journey of choosing this topic, what this topic means, and the plan behind my study. You can read how I discovered what self-care after trauma truly meant, here. You can read the plan behind my study, here. Then you can read the raw data from week 1, here

Now, let’s dive into Week 2 of my study!

During week 1 of addressing my trauma, I started to become aware of how unsafe my body still felt, and how skewed my perceptions of sexuality had been throughout my life. Then in within week 2, I realized that I no longer wanted this sense of wounded sexuality to be my current reality. In a journal entry I wrote:

“I feel so suppressed as a sexual being. These sexual wounds have taken up so much of my life, they have leaked into every other aspect of life. Sexuality really is connected to everything else, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. The heavy presence of these wounds unhealed has continued to take my voice and my power. 

I’m sick of feeling like that and me continuing to live within that story. I will accept it as part of my story, but I don’t want it to be my life. I’m glad I’m doing the work now to create a new story for myself.” 

From that realization, I began to evaluate what in my life was continuing to fuel that story of “wounded sexuality,” and where I can begin to heal then shift that mindset. It definitely felt overwhelming to come to all these internal discoveries, but I also felt grounded in the knowing that I had the power to change.

Week 2, dream reflection, “feeling unsafe and exposed

The drawing I created to further process my dreams communicated the felt senses I was experiencing throughout most of the dreams that week. The same patterns of feeling unsafe were heavily present. Differences within this week was that only one dream consisted of someone trying to physically attack me. The other dreams were just me being paranoid and afraid of being attacked. 

I was also experiencing a sense of feeling exposed, unsafely vulnerable, panic, betrayal, shame, degraded, and feeling a lack of protection from people I knew. The dreams, along with the drawing, again communicated how my current state of being was in victimhood. 

In waking life, I had begun to feel angry, which is expressed in the first drawing. I was being vulnerable with myself, while also wanting to be vulnerable to the people in my life that were close to me. I was trying to show them this part of me, my trauma, so they could have more insight into who I was. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to see you, or even has the capability of seeing you. So, this is where I began to learn the importance of giving that to myself. To then work on attracting the people who had the capability of holding the emotional space for others and who could accept all parts of me. 

That is most of the raw data from Week 2! You can listen to me give further explanations on the artworks, journal entries, and dreams on my podcast, in episode 40. If interested in staying up to date with me sharing my research be sure to look for the title “Self-Care after Trauma” on any blog post or podcast episode. Stay tuned as I continue to peel back the layers of the self each week while going through the study!

.

When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

.

Much love,

Kelsey