2/1/2020, Week 2, “Why don’t you see me?!”
In this post, I will be revealing the raw data within Week 2 from my study, “Self-Care after Trauma: A heuristic inquiry using Art Therapy, Journaling, and Dream reflection.” What consists within the raw data is all of my artwork, journal entries, and documented dreams that was expressed for the duration of the 5 week study.
If you have not read the other posts where the title begins with the words “Self-Care after Trauma” I suggest you go do that first before continuing! They briefly explain my journey of choosing this topic, what this topic means, and the plan behind my study. You can read how I discovered what self-care after trauma truly meant, here. You can read the plan behind my study, here. Then you can read the raw data from week 1, here.
Now, let’s dive into Week 2 of my study!
During week 1 of addressing my trauma, I started to become aware of how unsafe my body still felt, and how skewed my perceptions of sexuality had been throughout my life. Then in within week 2, I realized that I no longer wanted this sense of wounded sexuality to be my current reality. In a journal entry I wrote:
“I feel so suppressed as a sexual being. These sexual wounds have taken up so much of my life, they have leaked into every other aspect of life. Sexuality really is connected to everything else, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. The heavy presence of these wounds unhealed has continued to take my voice and my power.
I’m sick of feeling like that and me continuing to live within that story. I will accept it as part of my story, but I don’t want it to be my life. I’m glad I’m doing the work now to create a new story for myself.”
From that realization, I began to evaluate what in my life was continuing to fuel that story of “wounded sexuality,” and where I can begin to heal then shift that mindset. It definitely felt overwhelming to come to all these internal discoveries, but I also felt grounded in the knowing that I had the power to change.
Week 2, dream reflection, “feeling unsafe and exposed“
The drawing I created to further process my dreams communicated the felt senses I was experiencing throughout most of the dreams that week. The same patterns of feeling unsafe were heavily present. Differences within this week was that only one dream consisted of someone trying to physically attack me. The other dreams were just me being paranoid and afraid of being attacked.
I was also experiencing a sense of feeling exposed, unsafely vulnerable, panic, betrayal, shame, degraded, and feeling a lack of protection from people I knew. The dreams, along with the drawing, again communicated how my current state of being was in victimhood.
In waking life, I had begun to feel angry, which is expressed in the first drawing. I was being vulnerable with myself, while also wanting to be vulnerable to the people in my life that were close to me. I was trying to show them this part of me, my trauma, so they could have more insight into who I was. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to see you, or even has the capability of seeing you. So, this is where I began to learn the importance of giving that to myself. To then work on attracting the people who had the capability of holding the emotional space for others and who could accept all parts of me.
That is most of the raw data from Week 2! You can listen to me give further explanations on the artworks, journal entries, and dreams on my podcast, in episode 40. If interested in staying up to date with me sharing my research be sure to look for the title “Self-Care after Trauma” on any blog post or podcast episode. Stay tuned as I continue to peel back the layers of the self each week while going through the study!
When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.