The Vortex Between My Old Life and My New Life.

January 2020

I am a huge advocate of keeping creative expression pieces. If it speaks to you or was a big moment for you give it a title, sign it, and date it. Because when you look back to reflect on how things have changed in life, you will blow your own mind. 

Currently, I feel as if I am in the vortex, about to step into a new reality I have been creating for myself for years. I was only conscious of it the past 6 months. Now I am looking back on my Art Therapy pieces, poetry, and journal entries from the last two years I realize they were all foreshadowing this exact moment in time of my life. It’s a very surreal feeling. 

My world is about to completely change. 

After this immense amount of inner work it feels as if, “all the sudden,” I am being snapped into alignment. When the reality is that I have been aligning myself for years, it’s just that everything is finally here in physical form now, and it is all physically happening fast!

Again, I know this is vague. It probably doesn’t make sense to you. In July I will be able to give more details. But my mind is so full of all these synchronicities that are happening I can’t not share some of it with you!

The collage you see above, I made that at the beginning of what was supposed to be my last semester of grad school (which it technically was, but I did take 3 extensions and one continuation to finish my thesis which lasted until December 2020…lol). I wrote two poems to go along with this Art Therapy piece and I’d like to share them!

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Keep walking.

My body and spirit are tired.

This mountain seems never ending.

It will end.

I will escape the disaster.

I had to earn my wings.

My time will come.

The wings I have built will take me to serenity.

They will lift me out of the disaster.

Just keep walking.

Get to the other side of the mountain.

Greatness is waiting for me. 

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I originally created this to express my feelings about my first internship experience I had the previous semester because it was an awful experience. As I reflect on this piece now, I realize it went much deeper than that. I was referring to my own life. It wasn’t just one rough situation I was working through, like the internship, it was my entire fucking life I had created. I was in the midst of a disaster, but I was also in the midst of climbing my way out. 

Little did I know that just a year and a half later, in real life, I would actually be standing at the top of that mountain. 

That first poem, expressed the thoughts I had while on the disaster side of this collage. I had thoughts of giving up because I saw no end in sight, wondering if this healing journey would be worth it. Even in the midst of questioning, I was also giving myself words of encouragement. Deep down I knew that for me, giving up was not an option. 

This next poem portrayed the thoughts that came to mind while imagining myself at the top of the mountain. I had made it to the top. I was beaten, and battered, barely holding it all together. Then it felt as if my higher self was talking to me as I stood at the top of this mountain overlooking all the greatness that lied ahead of me. 

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Come back to who you are.

It is okay you neglected your intuition.

Now you know.

Leave what does not serve you.

Listen to your body.

Listen to yourself.

Do what feels good.

You deserve everything you envision for yourself.

These desires are waiting for you.

Your future self is ready for you.

Step into your power.

You will make a difference. 

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Now that I’m here, at the top of this mountain overlooking the greatness that lies ahead for me, I feel stunned. I know my best life is here now. It is within arm’s reach. I feel so excited to live, to bask in the greatness. Yet I have been met with so much grief. 

I am grieving my old life that had its own future. 

What I thought I wanted. When it was my ego that was running the show. I was neglecting my true self, my soul’s desires. I was not listening to my intuition. By doing that, it resulted in falling in love with ideas I created in my mind for life instead of facing my reality. 

Feeling the grief is essential to healing. I think this is the first time in my life I have allowed myself to feel every wave of grief that has hit me since I have been conscious about how unaligned I was living. I know now that I do not want the life I am in the midst of leaving, but it doesn’t mean I’m not sad about leaving it behind.

I’m shedding all of what no longer serves me, and it is painful. Living a life that wasn’t in alignment though, was even more painful. This pain I am experiencing through this transition period is temporary and I’m good with that. Because if I kept choosing to neglect myself, I would have kept choosing misery, choosing pain. 

Life is not meant to be miserable. 

Finally, I am listening. I am listening to my soul, to what I truly desire, and going after it. It did take time to deconstruct the façade I had built. It took time to build trust within myself on making big decisions. But it is possible! 

I am just a normal human like everyone else. We have free will that allows us to make choices. These choices slowly build the life we have. Everyone’s path is different. It is never easy because greatness doesn’t just happen. It is created. So, how can you start creating the life of your dreams?

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When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.

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Much love,

Kelsey

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