Junior year (2010-2011)
I had a realization the other day and it blew my mind. When I was in high school, I had broken up with a boyfriend after two months because we had not kissed yet. It was literally the only reason. I actually really liked him and wanted to be with him. My brain was tying in any form of sexual contact to equal a relationship, and if it was not happening then I believed this wasn’t a real relationship.
How fucked up is that?! Especially as a teenager! I didn’t want to break up with him, but I genuinely thought that a relationship meant anything sexual had to be happening almost immediately. My parents never talked to me about sex and relationships, so I just learned from societal standards, which is absolutely the worst way to learn. Society paints a completely unhealthy picture of relationships and sexuality. It sets everyone up for suffering, but more on that subject later.
So, with that mindset, I was then inadvertently attracting the attention of boys where the only thing that was on their mind was sex, and not interested in building a relationship. Reflecting now, I am not surprised because from my 5th grade trauma that was my experience. I then adopted the belief this is how boys were. If boys were not constantly talking to me in a sexual way or not interested in having sex, then it must mean they are not interested in me. Again, that is so fucked up!
My first boyfriend was interested in building a relationship. I just did not trust the fact that it was real. I was kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I got scared because truthfully, I wasn’t ready to be sexual. A kiss, ya maybe, but I didn’t really want anything more at that point. After experiencing sexual trauma at two different times in my life, up to this point my brain did not connect sex to be a fun or exciting thing. It was terrifying. Before anything could happen, I decided to avoid the entirety of possibilities and ended the relationship.
Parents, PLEASE talk to your kids about sex and relationships!
They need to know what is healthy and what is not. They need to know that having sexual feelings is okay. They need to know the concepts of consent and boundaries. They need to be taught safe ways to embrace their sexuality if they’re not ready to have sex yet. They need to be taught that sex is not purely physical. The list can be endless.
I’m realizing that a lot of adults don’t even know these concepts either. It can make me pretty angry! Angry at the system that society has built. That sexuality is so suppressed within the majority of the population. I am now choosing to channel that anger into creating a positive change. I am starting a ripple effect. I am using my voice to speak up on this matter and educate the collective on the true nature of sexuality. I will be easing my way into that topic as I continue to share the progression of my healing journey. Thank you for being here, and choosing to be a part of it!
When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.