So far on my healing journey, there has been a correlation between experiencing depression and avoiding my trauma. When I face my trauma, or even consistently facing my emotions, to work through it, my depression decreases. It was difficult for me to understand that concept though. It was easier for me to chalk it up to the fact that I was depressed and this is just the way it is. The book, The Body Keeps The Score, touches wonderfully on this subject.
I would like to share with you a poem I wrote in December 2017 about depression.
Depression is a mysterious thing.
I never thought I’d have to force myself to do the things that I know make me happy.
I never thought I’d be this tired.
I can’t afford to sleep this much.
I have to be productive, but here I am.
I don’t want to close myself off from the world.
I want to experience people, the sunlight, but the comfort of my bed and the weight of my blankets just traps me inside.
Why is being alone so depressing?
I come home to an empty room.
All I have are my thoughts.
They trick me.
They convince me that I have no one, and no one wants to be around me to hear about my day or spend time with me.
That the walls are my only friends.
All I have is Facebook and Instagram mocking me.
Tricking me into believing all these people are happy, have friends, and significant others to spend their days with.
I want to be them, but I need to be me.
People say, “Oh, don’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Get up and go after life.”
Well it’s not that easy.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, but just because I find myself unable to move sometimes doesn’t mean I’m a failure and incapable of spreading my wings.
This thing, I thought was depression, that had a hold on me was actually my trauma. My pain, my trauma, my shadow side was begging to be acknowledge. It was rocking me to my core. It had become a force to be reckoned with. A part of me knew if I kept ignoring it, it would get louder. I was under the impression if I just did things that made me happy it would be enough. Although, that is important, I needed to also face the darkness.
Little did I know that it would take about two years until I was ready to completely dive into my darkness. Which was okay, because realistically most people cannot handle fully facing their trauma when they are newly aware to it. Especially if they don’t have the tools to emotionally tend to themselves in daily life, which at that time I didn’t. I became slowly aware of some of the darkness within that lied dormant. I started to become aware of when depression would hit. Then I became aware of the certain behaviors I had that contributed to feeling depressed. But it wasn’t until Fall of 2018 that I started to work with the depression/trauma/darkness (it’s all basically the same thing).
Be patient with yourself while embarking on your healing journey. Constantly give yourself grace and know that you are doing the best you can. I know for me it often felt like I “should” be better or further along. I can still feel like that sometimes. There are lessons to every part of life we experience. As you go through the layers of healing remember, you are exactly where you are meant to be.
When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.