First, let’s take a moment and laugh at the awkward beginning stage of puberty. We ALL have been there. Every time I look at this picture I think, “Uh, where the fuck are my eyebrows?” I obviously recently discovered waxing. Then there’s the bulky plastic jewelry. A true fashion statement for the teenyboppers of the early 2000s. This picture cracks me up even though it can still bring sadness, and that is polarity for ya. Welcome to the game of life.
I know the upcoming blog posts can seem intense, but I have finally reached a point where I am not afraid to talk about trauma. I have also learned that talking about trauma does not automatically make it completely dark. Trauma is a normal part of life. If we are neglecting it we are neglecting a part of ourselves. I am starting to love each aspect of my past. I love little Kelsey even when she was in survival mode. She was doing the best she could and because of her present Kelsey is thriving.
The exact timeline on this traumatic event is a little blurry. I had blocked it out almost immediately after it happened up until I went to therapy a year and a half ago. It either occurred summer going into 8th grade or summer going into 9th grade. I do know that I was not in high school yet.
I was in the process of going to a specialty doctor to see if growth hormone shots would be effective for someone my age. Usually if a child is going to get growth hormone shots they are taking them around the age of 10 and I was a few years older than that. For some reason the topic of periods came up. I had not started mine yet, which was not completely unusual. This doctor then told me that if he gave me a breast exam he would be able to tell when I would start my period (which is a downright bullshit statement). My parents left the room to give me privacy.
As soon as the doctor touched me, my body immediately knew this was not right. I could not speak. Time had passed then the doctor got my parents to come back in the room. The doctor continued a conversation about the growth hormone shots. Again, it is a little blurry but apparently enough time had passed of me being alone in the room that my parents thought the doctor already discussed periods while they were out of the room. When the reality was that the topic of periods was never brought back up.
There are so many layers to how fucked up this situation was. I go into further details about the layers, how to protect children, and societal programming around sexuality in my podcast, Creating Light with Kelsey, on episode 4.
I look at that picture above and I do feel sadness. That Kelsey was lost. But I know now it was a part of my journey. I would not change my trauma because then I would not be who I am today. There is light and darkness in this world. If I would not have experienced sexual trauma I would have just experienced some other type of trauma. It was SO HARD for me to accept the fact that bad things happen and sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent it. I have also learned that now I am safe, it is in my ability to heal, and take my power back. Through my healing process I became aware of that moment creating various limiting beliefs for me that I am still deconditioning today. I will continue to dissect this story in other posts.
There are a few other sexual traumas from adulthood that I will share in the next post. Then future posts will get lighter. Sharing my darkness is important to me. I want to be vulnerable and show that I have been there. I want other survivors to know they are not alone. I have gone through some shit, but I am also coming out on the other side. Darkness did not snuff out the light.
Thank you for being here. I know every single person has experienced trauma in some shape or form. I want you to know that you are strong. You can reach a point of thriving. With one decision at a time you can come back home to yourself. I believe in you.
When we see the light in ourselves, we create light in others.